In a nondescript compound somewhere in the mountainous Tribal Areas of Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden sits cross-legged with his top lieutenant, Ayman Zawahiri, and watches Dick Cheney on ABC’s This Week this past Sunday. Osama sits in silence listening to the Mother Hen of America’s Chicken Hawks- the cabal of ideologues with names like Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Perle, Feith, Rice; the ones who, like Osama, are good at sending other people’s sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, off to war. And as Cheney begins to chirp his muscular sing-song and flex his wing span, a devilish grin rivaling the former Veep’s own signature smirk spreads across Osama’s face…
Zawahiri: ”He says our attacks are an act of war, not for criminal prosecution.”
Osama: ”Good. We are at war. Much of the world, even many of our own brothers, had forgotten that now that America has a president named Hussein who makes speeches to Muslims about peace. Mr. Cheney reminds the Crusader-Jews of their anger, of their duty to fight. Anger is what we want. Rage begets rage. It fuels the jihad that swells our ranks.”
Zawahiri: “He says Iraq was the right thing to do. That Saddam had a relationship with terror.”
Osama: [chuckling] “Remember when Saddam invaded Kuwait and we went to my Saudi friend Prince Turki and offered to defend the Holy Land against this Godless Arab pretender instead of letting the Americans handle him? Now, history has been rewritten and he was our patron! No matter. Let Mr. Cheney rewrite history. We ourselves have done so on occasion to bring our traditions more in line with our own brand of Islam. This man Cheney understands you must control the past at all costs to rule the future.
What a favor the Americans did for us, and for the Iranians as well for that matter, by getting rid of that secular Ba’athist fool, Saddam. Before Iraq the wounds of 9/11 were still fresh, and the world was with America. Iraq gave us the window we needed to show the world the ugly side- to convince the faithful that this was not justified retribution but a sustained campaign for Muslim blood. Let Mr. Cheney talk about Iraq. In fact, make sure a tape of this discussion gets to Al Jazira, Al Arabia, and all the other local Arab stations with appropriate subtitles. Let the world see how self-righteous Americans still boast about crusade in Iraq even as their British allies confess shame at the thousands of innocents murdered and maimed, the millions of refugees. When the world listens to an unrepentant America, when American made bullets continue to kill Palestinian children, no one really cares about the atrocities committed by Al Qaeda in the name of God.”
Zawahiri: “He says the biggest strategic threat to America is Al Qaeda!”
[Shouts of joy and tongue ulullations reverberate within the compound until Osama signals for calm.]
Osama: “Al hamdullilah (Praise to God). For a while there I thought we were yesterday’s news. Public opinion had turned against us in Iraq and Pakistan, and throughout the Muslim world. America was more concerned with health care and budget deficits than homeland security. This new guy Obama was quietly dismantling us in Afghanistan with that troop surge and in Pakistan with those damn drone attacks.
Mr. Cheney renews us. He brings back the fear of the Bush years. The fear that led to Abu Ghraib and the CIA black sites. We need this fear. He makes America think again if they are doing all they can to stop us. Is $700 billion a year in defense spending enough? (Google tells me China spends 80, Russia 60 and Iran, a paltry 5). Is 100,000 homeland security people enough? Our brothers in Yemen spent $100 loading up that Nigerian kid’s underwear. It didn’t even go off and it freaked out half of America. I bought that Afghan tea boy over there in the corner from his parents for less. The guys at Lashkar e Taiba paid about as much for each of their Mumbai foot soldiers. Look how much damage they did. I like our cost effectiveness. At this rate, we will be around forever. If we cant get America to lash out at us, we can pursue another strategy that is as effective: bankrupt them. With Mr. Cheney around to stoke their fear, we need spend little money on Al Qaeda marketing or branding. He will do it all for us, all in the name of American patriotism. Let them spend more time and more resources on us while China and India speed ahead. Pretty soon, America will fold in on itself under its own weight, like every other empire in the history of man.”
Zawahiri: “He says it was a mistake to close Guatanamo”
Osama: ”Excellent. We need it to stay open. The recruiting centers were thinning out for a while. Moderate brothers need to see what America does to its Muslims. How else will we turn them?”
Zawahiri: “He says water boarding is needed!”
Osama: ”Yes! Yes, Mr. Cheney! When the Americans water board no one cares when we stone a woman or run over an adulterer with a tank. There must be no distinction between the Western world and Al Qaeda. In fact, they must become us. For then, people’s loyalties will be decided by faith, and faith alone, and the final battle will be joined. There will be no universal values to speak of. Mr. Cheney, and his words, speed us towards this end. When the Global Jihad is finally won maybe we can offer him a small emirate of his own, perhaps in the state of Wyoming?”
Is the man called Osama so calculating, so devious? No one can truly know. But we should assume by now, as our leaders have warned on numerous occasions, that we are dealing with a thinking, adaptable enemy. We need to be smarter than this, on both sids of the aisle. Fred Hiatt’s words in yesterday’s Washington Post are well received. This is not merely a Republican disease. The Democrats have used national security as a political weapon against the Bush administration on numerous occasions. Mr. Hiatt thinks this can have benefits, for instance when one party embarrasses another into making needed changes in policy. But it can also be very damaging. Scoring political points at home and defending “historical” legacies should not come at the expense of losing the idea war and emboldening our enemies. Let’s not give them what they want: American fear, rage and unthinking retribution.
